I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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