hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
