just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
