I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
