i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
