Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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