Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
