dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
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