Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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