My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
