I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
