A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
