My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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