You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
