I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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