I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
