I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
from now on my penis is your penis
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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