Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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