you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
