My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
