you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
