from now on my penis is your penis
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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