so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
