thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
