There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
