This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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