What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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