My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
