what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
