You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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