I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
