I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
