yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
