I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
