yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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