he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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