I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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