I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
