I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
