Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
