This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
