I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
