smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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