Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
