I accidentally had phone sex last night
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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