just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
