shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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