I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
