Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
