Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
