if you like me you must not know who I am
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He felt like a one man threesome
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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