OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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