Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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