then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize