My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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