the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
