fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
