I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
