I like my sex mixed with concussions.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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