I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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