Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
