i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
